3/05/2018
I haven't been getting much sleep. Too many thoughts, nausea from the pills. Nausea from the thought of what could happen to me and what will happen if I don't take care of it. Of what will happen if I let it loose in my body and not take care of it. But, I want my old life back. I want the late nights chasing ghosts and summoning spirits and smelling the breath of an ancient forest monster defending it's nest (trust me, it's gross but you miss it).
Instead, I spend my days stationary, watching the world keep on turning around me. They say that once I get used to the new routine and all the problems that involve my Lupus and my ITP, I can start getting back into the groove. The look in my parents' eyes says otherwise, I'm trapped in a bubble, basically. I'm an adult who has to be coddled, because I'm stubborn and want to do it all. Not to mention that the pills I'm on to keep me stabilized can cause build-up in my eyes. Not that big of a deal, totally not something worth losing sleep over, right?
And when I don't have their eyes on me, the thoughts drown me enough.
In the darkness of late nights and early dawns, it's the hardest. I lay there and listen to the sounds of my family moving about. They shift and grumble and get on with their days while I try to stretch myself out bit by bit. My anxiety keeps me up, and so do the aches and pains. But, I hear them laugh, I hear them joke, I hear arguments about Vaso coming home too late, I hear hushed whispers about me.
Sometimes, there are tears.
I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.