Push

03/01/2018

I'm officially 23 years old, and I want to go out on a run, or get to go on a hunt. Maybe even track some Yetis. But, I can't do that. It's 12 AM and I am sitting in the darkness of my room probably ruining my eyes. But, they're already burning with lack of sleep, and blinking.

I'm not one to complain. Not only is my pain tolerance high, but there is just some things you get used to when your family is a bunch of Monster Hunters, y'know? You're going to get slobbered on by hellhounds, and it smells. You're probably going to get haunted every now and again by a straggling spirit. Entities tend to curse you.

But, having my own body get in my way?

That just never happened before.

But now, I get told to stay home during regular haunted area nights.

Like, sure, I get tired easily, especially since I started taking the meds for my Lupus, and I can't run as fast as I used to, but I can still contact the dead, for goober's sake.

It's not like a ghost can BRUISE me, either. (Ok, stop, I know technically-but you get what I mean. I'd even wear a helmet if it meant I could go outside and DO SOMETHING)

The worst is, the training. I want to push myself, I want to sweat, but Vaso is content in leaving me behind.

This? This is probably the worst part of it. She makes me feel so much weaker. Yeah, I bruise, but I can still fight. They say I have a 'light case' of Lupus, whatever that means. I could handle it, I could handle her (I have the past 19 years of her existence, anyway.)

Vaso has taken the role of the Monster Hunter for the both of us, which I never wanted. I want to spar, I want to sweat, I want to bleed and go on adventures and have fun.

I want to live.

But my life is on hold.

restless hours

3/05/2018

I haven't been getting much sleep. Too many thoughts, nausea from the pills. Nausea from the thought of what could happen to me and what will happen if I don't take care of it. Of what will happen if I let it loose in my body and not take care of it. But, I want my old life back. I want the late nights chasing ghosts and summoning spirits and smelling the breath of an ancient forest monster defending it's nest (trust me, it's gross but you miss it).

Instead, I spend my days stationary, watching the world keep on turning around me. They say that once I get used to the new routine and all the problems that involve my Lupus and my ITP, I can start getting back into the groove. The look in my parents' eyes says otherwise, I'm trapped in a bubble, basically. I'm an adult who has to be coddled, because I'm stubborn and want to do it all. Not to mention that the pills I'm on to keep me stabilized can cause build-up in my eyes. Not that big of a deal, totally not something worth losing sleep over, right?

And when I don't have their eyes on me, the thoughts drown me enough.

In the darkness of late nights and early dawns, it's the hardest. I lay there and listen to the sounds of my family moving about. They shift and grumble and get on with their days while I try to stretch myself out bit by bit. My anxiety keeps me up, and so do the aches and pains. But, I hear them laugh, I hear them joke, I hear arguments about Vaso coming home too late, I hear hushed whispers about me.

Sometimes, there are tears.

I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.

I'm Ok.

03/05/2018

I remember back when no one freaked out if I fell down.  A simple ‘IM OKAY’ following any crash in any part of the house would have my mom go back to whatever she was doing. Yeah, I bruised a lot as a kid. It was normal, given any circumstance that I was a rough-and-tumble kid who had two left feet. My dad would comment about how he should probably put carpeting on the stairs. My sister would either laugh or roll her eyes, or be the cause of the fall. Yaiyia would still coo over me, but roll her eyes at my clumsiness.  This was my childhood, in a nutshell: 

Touching, right?

But, y'know...looking back...younger me had a lot more leeway in doing whatever she wanted.